


English Rose

by Neffectual



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Ducks, Good Omens Inspired, Humor, M/M, Surreal, Wasps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-06
Updated: 2014-08-06
Packaged: 2018-02-12 03:09:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2093439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neffectual/pseuds/Neffectual
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Earl Trancy agrees to meet Earl Phantomhive for a picnic, what can go wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	English Rose

The sunlight was hazy on the riverbank, extending the few, perfect moments of an English summer, where no one's fallen in the river, no one's being chased by wasps, and it isn't yet raining. At the moment, there was a disgruntled gaze falling upon a duck, waddling closer to the edge of a picnic blanket in search of food. A quick look-around to check no one was watching, and the poor bird got a boot up the backside and hurried away.  
"I really wish you wouldn't do that, young master." A silken voice slid across the words, as if actually enunciating was almost too much effort, "It scuffs your shoes."  
Ciel waved a hand dismissively, and turned back to the picnic. It seemed to have been pack with an awful lot of spreads in mind, and a rather large amount of wine. Then again, he thought, casting an eye over his companions, he would need all the wine they had just to cope with conversation.

There was a high pitched giggle, and a voice cut into his thoughts:  
"Ummmm, Ciel's been naughty. Shouldn't you take him over your knee, Sebastian?"  
"Chance'd be a fine thing." Sebastian muttered, before clearing his throat and answering audibly, "I don't think that's appropriate, Earl Trancy."  
The blond pouted and leant back in his own butler's lap, smiling up with a look of love. Ciel carefully stifled his revulsion behind a spoonful of lemon mousse, allowing the tart flavour to disguise the other reason for his puckered mouth. He lifted his wine glass and swallowed vigorously, before reaching for the bottle. His hand was caught before it got halfway there, and Sebastian slipped gloved fingers over his wrist before taking the bottle himself.  
"Wine, Sebastian." The boy demanded, nose in the air, and gave an un-gentlemanly squawk as the butler tipped to bottle to his own mouth.  
"As I suspected, young master, the bottle is empty." Sebastian purred, licking a trace of the excellent vintage from his lips.  
"Then hurry up and open another."

Meanwhile, Alois was burying his head backwards into Claude's lap which, the butler accepted, would have been incredibly painful if he'd been making enough of an effort to have the requisite parts for his gender. As it was, he strongly suspected the boy was seeking those parts out, and was in a bit of a quandary as how to extract him without making a fuss.  
"See, Claude, you're smiling. I told you some fresh air was a good idea!"  
Claude's thin-lipped smile broadened as he bit further down into the inside of his mouth. Sooner or later, the master was going to move his head and not connect with what he hoped to connect, and then…. Well, then, all hell would break loose.  
Suddenly, using Claude's lap as a springboard, Alois leapt up and ran towards the riverbank, leaving the three men on the blanket to stare after him.  
"You're his butler," Sebastian said, "You go."  
"Just leave him," Ciel opined, "One damp little idiot won't be much of a loss."  
Claude signalled for Sebastian to pass him a glass of wine, drained it, and then laboriously climbed to his feet in order to chase his master over the damp banks.

Ciel yawned obnoxiously and turned towards the action, which, from a distance, seemed to be some sort of pantomime, Claude's expansive, pleading gestures for Alois to get off that jetty right now combined with Alois' own over-egged poses making him strongly resist the urge to shout something along the lines of 'he's behind you'. Sebastian settled in beside his master like a lazy cat, and passed over a piece of card. As Claude trod too heavily on the weed-covered jetty, slipped, and skidded over the edge with a loud splash and a honking of geese, they both feigned ennui and held up scorecards. It wasn't certain which Claude was more outraged at, the fact that he was now soaked in river-water and had a moorhen nest on his head, or that they'd only give him seven points for his landing.  
Alois sauntered back, slumping down on the picnic blanket like a dead bumblebee, before sticking a hand out for a wineglass, a request to which Sebastian graciously acquiesced, re-filling Ciel's as he went, before lying back down to soak up the sun. Ciel absent-mindedly petted his butler's hair as he turned to converse with Alois.

"How come you get to touch yours?" the blond demanded almost immediately as Ciel had resettled his wine glass.  
"Patience? Or politeness?" Ciel muttered, darkly.  
Alois made a noise like something coming out of the back end of a cow as Claude came and sat on the edge of the blanket, still attempting to dislodge the moorhen.  
"I believe my master was asking why you're… well." Claude nodded towards Sebastian, whose eyes were almost closed against the light.  
"Rewarding him for good behaviour? It's called positive reinforcement," Ciel said, bluntly, "You might want to try it."  
Alois went the colour of an aubergine.  
"How… how dare you?" he spat, "Don't you know…. How dare you!"  
"Repetition." Ciel yawned, "Do at least try and be inventive."  
"I'll show you inventive!" the boy shouted, tearing at his clothes until he was shirtless, then grabbing for the honey, sticking his fingers in, and smearing it all over himself. "Oops, Claude, I made a mess. Clean me up."  
Claude blinked, and reached for the handkerchief in his breast pocket.  
"With your tongue, Claude."  
The butler sighed, and readied himself for yet another demeaning task when Alois shrieked and batted at something in the air.  
"Polistes dominula, the European paper wasp," Sebastian noted, eyes still closed, "Their fondness for sweet things is almost unrivalled."  
"Aren't they social wasps, Sebastian – wasn't that what you were telling me in science the other day?" Ciel asked, a nasty smirk working its way across his face.  
"I do believe you are correct, young master."  
Alois leapt from the blanket and hared off towards the river, leaving Sebastian to his chuckles and Ciel to his sniggers. Claude simply looked relieved, and drained another half a glass of wine.  
"Well," said Ciel, "That's the honey wasted."  
"Aren't you going to go after him?" Sebastian asked, idly, "He is, after all, your responsibility."

However, no chasing was needed, for at that moment, it began to rain that peculiarly English rain; not quite hard enough to be real rain, but just enough to ruin your day.  
Ciel pulled himself to his feet, shrugged into his coat, and stepped off the rug, allowing Sebastian to pack up. Claude remained sat on the muddy ground, upending a bottle of wine into his mouth, as the two retreated towards the distant house, Sebastian holding a large black umbrella over his charge.

Ciel blinked, and the windowpane of the drawing room came back into focus, rain-streaked and blurry. He shook his head and settled back down at his desk to go over some invoices, and looked up only when Sebastian entered the room.  
"Young Master, I have a reply from Earl Trancy, about the picnic plans. He accepts."  
Ciel jolted upright at that, eyes wide with surprise before they slipped back into their usual indolent stare.  
"Good. Oh, and Sebastian?"  
"Yes?"  
"Bring the wine. Lots and lots of wine."  
"Yes, my Lord."

**Author's Note:**

> The idea that, in order to have certain parts, demons and angels must *ahem* make an effort is from Good Omens. The rest of this farce is all my own imagination, I'm afraid.
> 
> Except for the bits about England, that's all just personal experience, although I've never kicked a duck. I have, however, been chased by geese. And bitten by swans. And attacked by wasps.


End file.
